Pumpkin Muffin Apologies: A How-To Guide

Say you wake up inside a tent.  It’s one of those tents meant for six people to sleep in while camping outdoors.  There are five other people (well, three people and two dogs- that’s a minor technicality) in the tent with you, so you take a moment to appreciate how well you’ve utilized the space.  Then, you notice that you are inside this nice tent, but this nice tent is not outside.  It is very much indoors.  It is very much in your neighbors’ living room.  Your neighbors and their dog, your roommate and her dog, and you of course, are all sleeping in a tent that you pitched in the living room.

I would question why it is that I’m always landing myself in these ridiculous scenarios but the truth is, I’m usually the one promoting the madness.  These mad ideas are generally hatched by yours truly.  And they are fun!  Totally fun!  We had a great time.  If you ignore the part where we all slept poorly and woke up needing a trip to a chiropractor.

Even though Indoor Camping on a School Night was a brilliant idea and we all had lots of fun, there’s a chance that the only thing my friends will remember about the evening is the tired achy bodies they had the next day.  If that’s all they think about, they won’t be game for my next mad idea.  This is when I con them.

By apologizing for my madness, my friends will remember not their misaligned spines, but the delicious muffins I oh-so-kindly delivered.  Then, when I have another stupid idea instead of being all, “No.  This is bad for my body; I remember what happened last time!” they’ll think, “This is insane, but I’ll probably get muffins.”

I love pumpkin muffins.  I like making them from scratch, but I don’t have a recipe. This becomes problematic when I want to replicate them and can’t remember exactly what I threw in the bowl.

If you’re short on time/funds/throw-things-in-a-bowl impulses, but still want to make something great…Here’s a super easy and fast pumpkin muffin recipe.

Things you need for the muffins:

  • One box of Spice Cake
  • One can (15 oz) of pumpkin
  • 1/2 cup cinnamon applesauce

Things you need for the icing:

  • One stick butter – room temperature
  • One box (8 oz) cream cheese – room temperature
  • 2(ish) cups of powdered sugar

The muffins are vegan, devoid of all animal products!  The frosting is the opposite of vegan, comprised mainly of animal parts.  You win some you lose some.  Still, this recipe is will give you the most simple and delicious pumpkin muffins of all time.  I promise.  Here’s what you do:

Set the oven to 350F.  Take your muffin tin outside and spray it down with some cooking spray.  I don’t know that doing this outside is exactly necessary.  When I was a kidlet, Momster always sprayed pans outdoors so we didn’t have to breathe in vegetable oil aerosols.  It seems like a good idea, and it’s always nice to visit the backyard while you’re baking.

Empty the Spice Cake mix, can of pumpkin and applesauce into a bowl and MIX THAT MESS.  I like old-fashioned wooden spoon mixing, but an electric mixer will make this process a lot easier. This batter is dense and won’t rise much, so fill each muffin tin almost to the top.  An ice cream scoop is handy for this process.  Leave your muffins to have their party in the oven for about 25 minutes…or when the toothpick comes out clean.

While your muffins are baking, you can make a nice cream cheese frosting.  You really must use an electric mixer for the first step:  throw your stick of butter and package of cream cheese into a bowl.  Pretend that you are Muhammad Ali and beat that mixture.  You don’t even have to feel guilty about the violence because right now, in the kitchen, you’re Muhammad Ali.  You’ll go on to become a social activist and will use your voice, not your fists, for good.

When the butter/cheese mixture is completely smooth, you’ll start adding in the confectioner’s sugar.  Add it a cup at a time and stop for (sanitary!  Use a spoon, not your fingers!) taste tests.  I’m happy after two cups of powdered sugar.  I like my icing to retain its distinct cream cheese flavor.  You can add a third cup if you like it sweeter.  Please don’t add more than three cups of sugar.  Nobody needs that much sugar.

I feel obligated to divulge some of my icing secrets here.  I like to add things in to my icing.  Experiment!  A teaspoon of vanilla?  Great!  How about maple?  I like to sprinkle in some cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice, too.  This gives the icing a little extra flavor and turns the white-white-white color into a nicer ivory shade.

When your muffins have sufficiently cooled- seriously, let them cool.  Don’t get too anxious and frost early, because then your lovely icing will melt and turn into a puddle of sugar all over your plate of muffins. – frost away!  Then, stick them on a pretty plate, sneak into your neighbors house and leave them with your thoughtful apology note.

Huzzah!  Best. Muffins. Ever.  Let me know if you make some!

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3 thoughts on “Pumpkin Muffin Apologies: A How-To Guide

  1. I want to make muffins so badly now! I require them to LIVE! Darn my college education, requiring me to live in a cement box without muffins. To be fair, there is a kitchenette available to me, but cooking feels so problematic. For one, upon making them I would most certainly have leftover ingredients (why will no one sell me just one stick of butter??) and I am not certain if an electric mixer is available (it could be, but I would have to initiate human contact to find out – gasp!). Merrr! I am all about vague expressions of indignation these days! So much merrrr!

    Really, though – I enjoyed this for much more than just the (usefulmagicrainbows) recipe! Lydia, you are my favorite and your words make me happy. Your crazy is my favorite. One day I will hug your crazy, and it will be great. #creepy

    THIS ALL REMINDS ME THAT LAUREL AND I HAVE YET TO MAKE A FORT, THOUGH. SUCH A GRIEVOUS OVERSIGHT. Ahh!

    I love your neighbors/adventures/etc. But mostly I love you. Because I am creepy. But that’s okay. Creepy is caring. I have decided.

    P.S. (for good measure) Maybe I will make these at Thanksgiving, provided I am able to get home. Things look hopeful-ish on that front. Eeee, I love pumpkin.

  2. Pingback: Happy Valentine’s Day! (Sorry I’m drunk.) |

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